I started out this school year with two goals. To:
- Really work at my grades. I need to get my GPA up as high as I can; I can’t handle sticking around here any longer than necessary. College is my way out. And
- Accepting myself.
Thus far, I seem to be doing pretty well with the first one. I made honor roll first term, and I think I did well second (end of the term is in 2 days! woo!).
But the second seems to present quite the problem.
I mean, yes, I am a teenager, and I don’t expect to be completely confident. I have insecurities, but what teenage girl doesn’t?
But my insecurities have always ruled my life. I could never get away from them; not at school, and definitely not at home where my older sister was (and is) a constant reminder of what I will never be. I don’t blame her for my insecurities – no, I could never do that – but it’s hard when I’m thinking of myself as fat and she waltzes in the room, scantily clad and confident as ever. -shrugs-
Yeah, but, um…off topic. whoa.
So, I wanted to be okay with myself and finally accept myself despite my flaws. But with every passing day, it gets harder and harder. I’m slowing becoming a recluse because of my insecurities. And I’m never aware of stowing away until after the fact. It’s driving me mad.
All I wanted was to live life. Sure, I’m always going to have these insecurities, but I wanted to find the control to push them to the back of my mind to live. But it backfired…drastically. Not only am I even more aware of every issue I have with myself, but I’m allowing them to get into the way of me living life.
I should be hanging out with my friends, but when they offer, I make up some excuse to get out of it. And I do it without even realizing it.
Which leaves me to wonder:
What the HELL is wrong with me?!
disappear.
Sometimes all I want is to be left alone, as is the case currently.
Why can’t I just get away from everyone and everything?
I can’t wait until college; I can’t stand this house any longer. I just need space, and I can’t get any here.
i am trying
Friendship is a two-way thing, y’know.
If I’m the one initiating and continuing [all] conversations we have (and, trust me, I’m a terrible conversationalist as is; a little help would be appreciated), while you sit there like a lump on freakin’ log, I think we have a problem.
So when I’m having a bad day, and you don’t even ask me what’s up or why I’m feeling like shit, I realize who really cares and who’s just hanging around for God-only-knows what reason.
Give and take.
It seems to me that I’m the only one giving to this friendship, while you’re take, take, taking all you can get without a single thought or look back.
Maybe we aren’t as good of friends as we used to be.
What happened?
Because until it changes, I’d rather not hang out. Because, quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of your selfishness.
Ugh.
I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel bad about posting this shit, but whatever. I can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t contribute to the friendship.
sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I swear, I could do better without my so-called immune system. It’s supposed to be fighting off these stupid, miserable colds I keep getting, but, apparently, it’s doing a shitty job.
I’ve been sick consistently for the past three months, with maybe 2 weeks of health.
Hell. On. Earth.
I hate Pre-Calc anyway, but trying to concentrate on that nonsense while I’m seeing doubles is not worth the effort.
If my grades didn’t depend on me being in class, I would have taken so many sick days that I would have had to make an appeal to get credit for the classes that I missed. But, sadly, if I miss that many days, I would fall so far behind and my grades would plummet.
I wish my immune system would straighten the fuck out and do it’s job – not like it has anything else to do.
:-@
and my head won’t stop pounding.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been the worry-wart, so to speak. Not just out of my friends and family, but everyone who I seem to come in contact with. Everyone seems to cool, calm, and collected compared to me.
I don’t know if that has to do with my feelings lately, but I can’t help but pick at the comparisons in my spare time. The thought is always around in the back of my head: what is wrong with me?
No one else around seems to be quite so…anxious all the time.
And, lately, it’s only gotten worse.
Going out into places that I know are going to be crowded freaks me out. Just being in a crowd makes my hands tremble. Even in school, in between classes, all someone has to do is slam their locker (which, y’know, happens quite a bit), I jump, and I can feel my hearbeat increase hastily. It’s irritating, if nothing else.
Not only that, but my mind refuses to SHUTTHEHELLUP&LETMESLEEP anymore. Everytime I close my eyes, my mind wanders…to every shallow, meaningless conversation that I had that day. Every single one. And they are replayed in my head time after time, no matter how much I try to stop it. And all I can think about is what I should have said, and how what I did say sounded like I was a freakin retard, ’cause I’m socially awkward and all that jazz. (& if you got the reference in that last italisized part, I love you) =X
And then apparently I’ve been bitchi (-er) lately than I ever am – according to like four friends. I know it keeps getting easier and easier to make me grind my teeth, but I thought that I did pretty good at hiding the eye rolls and biting back the crude, sarcastic remarks. Sure, some slip, but for the most part, I think I was doing pretty good. But apparently not. Ugh.
I don’t know what all this nonsense is about, just that it’s pissing me off, and I’m hoping whatever is going on with me lately stops. And soon. =X
/edit: fuck you tags. don’t work. see if i care.
yeah, another survey. sue me.
Im bored.
So I do a survey, y/y?
How do you feel right now?
Okay.
To whom did you last give the finger to?
Probably my sister. haha
Has anyone ever told you they wanted to be with you forever?
Jokingly, haha
Is there a meaning behind your profile song?
On myspace?
No, not really. I just like ‘em.
How many hours did you sleep last night?
10-ish
Do you trust anybody of the opposite sex?
Yeah.
Where is your one and two on your top right now?
Good question, haha.
I have no idea.
Who was the last person to sit in your lap?
Hm..my little cousin.
Something you really want right now?
A drink.
Do you think you’re old?
Nah.
Im only 16 =]
Are you a jealous person?
Not typically.
Do you wear contacts?
Nope.
I have really good vision :]
What were you doing an hour ago?
Sitting here.
hahahaha
Are you a morning person or a night person?
Im a night owl.
Im a grump in the morning.
What are you wearing?
Clothes.
If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
I doubt it.
Whatever happened back then made me who I am, for better or worse
If you could seek revenge on someone would you?
Nah.
Have you ever slept in a bed with the same sex?
Yeah
Have you ever been around someone who was high?
Yep
Ever kissed someone who smokes?
-scrunches up nose-
Yeah.
Did you have a good birthday last year?
No. =(
Everyone forgot about it.
Is your hair naturally curly?
I wish.
Last person you were in a car with?
Courtney, Kyle, and Patrick
Do you like someone that doesn’t know you like them?
Yeah.
Well, I don’t think he knows, at least. Though he should considering my complete idiocy when I’m around him, ha.
What are you looking forward to most?
Er…I dont know.
My birthday’s coming up…so that? So long as not everyone forgets, anyway. haha
Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
Yep.
Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a “K”?
Not romantically, lol.
When was the last time you saw the second person on your top?
A few days ago.
Are you close with your mother?
Yeah.
What are you looking forward to the next couple months?
My 17th.
Have you ever liked someone whose name started with the letter J?
Mmmm…nope.
Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
Nah =)
Do you love the last boy/girl you were talking to?
As a brother, yeah
Have you ever crawled through a window?
Eeep, yes =X
Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents?
Yes. =X
Who is someone you wish you could fix things with?
Yes.
Do you know anyone named Matt?
A few of them, actually.
Last beverage you consumed?
Tea.
Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Um…my sister?
Is there anything stressing you out currently?
Not really.
Do you remember what you were like a year ago?
The same I am now, really.
Who did you last eat with?
Mom, Dad, Courtney, & Patrick.
Is the sun shining?
Nope.
It’s dark outside
Midnight, who were you texting?
I don’t have a celly telly =)
When was the last time you cried really badly?
It’s been a while.
Is there something you wish you could tell someone right at this moment?
Yes.
Is your dad a jerk?
Usually
Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
Yeah =/
oh god, what i have done?
Currently Listening to: The Dear Hunter
Soo, I finished Frostbite by Richelle Mead yesterday. Oh man, I can’t wait ’til I get the third in the series. It’s soo good!! Eep!
Then I started to read A Walk To Remember by Nicholas Sparks. I adored the movie, so I got the book. I actually think I like the movie more, but that could just be because I have a fangirly crush on Shane West, ha. But when I went to my grandparent’s house last night, I left it there. So I won’t get it back until…Monday-ish. Blahhh.
Until then, I started to reread Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer. While the Twilight Series aren’t the best books in the world, they’re entertaining. And Eclipse was my favorite. -shrugs-
I need to get some cash and make a run to the book store or order some new ones off of Amazon or something. ’cause I’ve been going through books like crazy lately.
My Dad went on a business trip for the past few days and just got back this morning. Well…usually we don’t particularly get along. He wasn’t around for much of my childhood, and his personality and mine just don’t mesh. We don’t hardcore fight much, but I try to avoid him usually just as a precaution, ahaha. But yeah. He got back and had bought everyone a present…and I got the most adorable stuffed animal (A Pig named Beans. It’s cuteee! Pigs have been my favorite animal since before I can remember, fyi) But then I felt bad for avoiding him so much recently. =/ ugh. Guilt is a shitty emotion.
Oh.
I think I finally fixed my quiz results from the last post. Wooo! =}
-k
ps. listen to the Dear Hunter.
the truth is unchanging
Currently Listening To: nevertheless.
I’ve taken this quiz thingy before, but I’ve never really paid much attention to the results. =/
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Advanced Global Personality Test Results
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Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com
Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
trait snapshot:
does not make friends easily, secretive, introverted, reclusive, observer, dislikes leadership, somewhat socially awkward, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, values solitude, solitary, avoidant, ambivalent about fitting in, not dominant, unassertive, suspicious, prudent, unadventurous, worrying, weird, intellectual, frequently second guesses self
To be quite honest, this depresses me.
Like, yeah, reading though it, I was like, “Hey…that’s me!”
But then, thinking about it, I got like..shitty results.
I guess I’m a shitty person, ha.
It’s so…depressing.
And I’m far from a depressed person!
Ugh
Anyway.
Supernatural is coming on in, like, 10 minutes, so…bye :]
-k
/edit: fuck you html. fuck you.
truth be told, i’m lying.
Current Music: Gives You Hell by All American Rejects
Yesterday I read all day.
I finished The Perks of Being A Wallflower, which…I don’t know how I feel about it. I didn’t really give it time to sink in. Meh. I’ll reread it sometime anyway.
Then I started Frostbite by Richelle Mead, which is the second in the Vampire Academy series. Not gonna lie, I adored the first book. Sooo much. And within the first 100 pages of this one, I was hooked. I swear, if Dimitri and Rose don’t hook up, I’ll be pissed. haha XD
When I woke up this morning, my first thought was, “Supernatural tonight!” hahaha.
Tonight. 9 PM. CW.
This season is probably my favorite thus far.
Castiel is my new favorite character.
I still love Sam & Dean.
I don’t like Ruby’s new body. I miss Katie Cassidy, but whatever. So long as Ruby is still around, I guess.
Uriel (or however the fuck you spell it) need to go diaf. Asshole. X_x
And yeah.
Sooo, watch it! =D
Today & Tomorrow we have no school! Woot. Wishes do come true! haha
Thank you snow & schoolsout.com for letting me know, ha
I don’t have anything to say. At all.
Well fuck.
-k
& if i die right now, we’d never be the same..
Today was weird.
I missed my club period, Pre-Calc, & English, which was sweet. But I only missed them because I had to tour the 8th graders around the high school so they know what the hell they’re getting into next year, ha. Boring as hell. Probably more boring than those classes I missed, but hey, shit happens, ya know? ha
The fact that that was the most interesting moment of my day both saddens and sickens me.
But speaking of sickness, I think I’m finally over the cold that I’ve had since before Christmas break! *knocks on wood* Wooo!
In all honesty, there has to be something fucking up my immune system. For the past two years, it seems like I’m sick all the time..or almost all the time. Whereas, prior to when this immune system FAIL happened, I rarely got sick at all. But whatever. I deal, I deal.
Let’s see here…what all has been going on?
Answer: Nothing.
What an intense life I lead, eh?
I started reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky last night. I’ve heard a lot of good things about it, as well as a lot of people reference it, so I figured I’d give it a go.
It’s…different from what I usually read, but not particularly a bad different. Just different.
I’m on page 108 out of 213.
It’s an easy read, but I can only read it when it’s quiet. I don’t know why, but I just cannot concentrate on it when everyone around me is screaming, ha. But I guess I don’t like reading anything around screaming, but yah.
I really liked the poem in it too, haha.
I’m counting on a snow day on either Thursday or Friday. Ohh yeah, haha.
I hate making up the days in June, but I can deal for a day’s break in the middle of all the madness.
Here’s to hoping for this snow storm *crosses fingers*
I guess…that’s all.
Life has been very quiet around lately.
The only reason that worries me is…well, things only stay calm for so long.
The calm before the storm? Sure hope not.
Bye.
-k
