I started out this school year with two goals. To:
- Really work at my grades. I need to get my GPA up as high as I can; I can’t handle sticking around here any longer than necessary. College is my way out. And
- Accepting myself.
Thus far, I seem to be doing pretty well with the first one. I made honor roll first term, and I think I did well second (end of the term is in 2 days! woo!).
But the second seems to present quite the problem.
I mean, yes, I am a teenager, and I don’t expect to be completely confident. I have insecurities, but what teenage girl doesn’t?
But my insecurities have always ruled my life. I could never get away from them; not at school, and definitely not at home where my older sister was (and is) a constant reminder of what I will never be. I don’t blame her for my insecurities – no, I could never do that – but it’s hard when I’m thinking of myself as fat and she waltzes in the room, scantily clad and confident as ever. -shrugs-
Yeah, but, um…off topic. whoa.
So, I wanted to be okay with myself and finally accept myself despite my flaws. But with every passing day, it gets harder and harder. I’m slowing becoming a recluse because of my insecurities. And I’m never aware of stowing away until after the fact. It’s driving me mad.
All I wanted was to live life. Sure, I’m always going to have these insecurities, but I wanted to find the control to push them to the back of my mind to live. But it backfired…drastically. Not only am I even more aware of every issue I have with myself, but I’m allowing them to get into the way of me living life.
I should be hanging out with my friends, but when they offer, I make up some excuse to get out of it. And I do it without even realizing it.
Which leaves me to wonder:
