I started out this school year with two goals. To:

• Really work at my grades. I need to get my GPA up as high as I can; I can’t handle sticking around here any longer than necessary. College is my way out. And
• Accepting myself.

Thus far, I seem to be doing pretty well with the first one. I made honor roll first term, and I think I did well second (end of the term is in 2 days! woo!).

But the second seems to present quite the problem.
I mean, yes, I am a teenager, and I don’t expect to be completely confident. I have insecurities, but what teenage girl doesn’t?
But my insecurities have always ruled my life. I could never get away from them; not at school, and definitely not at home where my older sister was (and is) a constant reminder of what I will never be. I don’t blame her for my insecurities – no, I could never do that – but it’s hard when I’m thinking of myself as fat and she waltzes in the room, scantily clad and confident as ever. -shrugs-
Yeah, but, um…off topic. whoa.
So, I wanted to be okay with myself and finally accept myself despite my flaws. But with every passing day, it gets harder and harder. I’m slowing becoming a recluse because of my insecurities. And I’m never aware of stowing away until after the fact. It’s driving me mad.
All I wanted was to live life. Sure, I’m always going to have these insecurities, but I wanted to find the control to push them to the back of my mind to live. But it backfired…drastically. Not only am I even more aware of every issue I have with myself, but I’m allowing them to get into the way of me living life.
I should be hanging out with my friends, but when they offer, I make up some excuse to get out of it. And I do it without even realizing it.

Which leaves me to wonder:

What the HELL is wrong with me?!

Sometimes all I want is to be left alone, as is the case currently.

Why can’t I just get away from everyone and everything?

I can’t wait until college; I can’t stand this house any longer. I just need space, and I can’t get any here.

Friendship is a two-way thing, y’know.

If I’m the one initiating and continuing [all] conversations we have (and, trust me, I’m a terrible conversationalist as is; a little help would be appreciated), while you sit there like a lump on freakin’ log, I think we have a problem.

So when I’m having a bad day, and you don’t even ask me what’s up or why I’m feeling like shit, I realize who really cares and who’s just hanging around for God-only-knows what reason.

Give and take.

It seems to me that I’m the only one giving to this friendship, while you’re take, take, taking all you can get without a single thought or look back.

Maybe we aren’t as good of friends as we used to be.
What happened?
Because until it changes, I’d rather not hang out. Because, quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of your selfishness.

Ugh.
I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel bad about posting this shit, but whatever. I can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t contribute to the friendship.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been the worry-wart, so to speak. Not just out of my friends and family, but everyone who I seem to come in contact with. Everyone seems to cool, calm, and collected compared to me.

I don’t know if that has to do with my feelings lately, but I can’t help but pick at the comparisons in my spare time. The thought is always around in the back of my head: what is wrong with me?

No one else around seems to be quite so…anxious all the time.
And, lately, it’s only gotten worse.

Going out into places that I know are going to be crowded freaks me out. Just being in a crowd makes my hands tremble. Even in school, in between classes, all someone has to do is slam their locker (which, y’know, happens quite a bit), I jump, and I can feel my hearbeat increase hastily. It’s irritating, if nothing else.

Not only that, but my mind refuses to SHUTTHEHELLUP&LETMESLEEP anymore. Everytime I close my eyes, my mind wanders…to every shallow, meaningless conversation that I had that day. Every single one. And they are replayed in my head time after time, no matter how much I try to stop it. And all I can think about is what I should have said, and how what I did say sounded like I was a freakin retard, ’cause I’m socially awkward and all that jazz. (& if you got the reference in that last italisized part, I love you) =X

And then apparently I’ve been bitchi (-er) lately than I ever am – according to like four friends. I know it keeps getting easier and easier to make me grind my teeth, but I thought that I did pretty good at hiding the eye rolls and biting back the crude, sarcastic remarks. Sure, some slip, but for the most part, I think I was doing pretty good. But apparently not. Ugh.

I don’t know what all this nonsense is about, just that it’s pissing me off, and I’m hoping whatever is going on with me lately stops. And soon. =X

/edit: fuck you tags. don’t work. see if i care.

Currently Listening To: nevertheless.

I’ve taken this quiz thingy before, but I’ve never really paid much attention to the results. =/

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
does not make friends easily, secretive, introverted, reclusive, observer, dislikes leadership, somewhat socially awkward, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, values solitude, solitary, avoidant, ambivalent about fitting in, not dominant, unassertive, suspicious, prudent, unadventurous, worrying, weird, intellectual, frequently second guesses self

To be quite honest, this depresses me.
Like, yeah, reading though it, I was like, “Hey…that’s me!”
But then, thinking about it, I got like..shitty results.
I guess I’m a shitty person, ha.
It’s so…depressing.
And I’m far from a depressed person!
Ugh

Anyway.
Supernatural is coming on in, like, 10 minutes, so…bye :]

-k

/edit: fuck you html. fuck you.